Showing posts with label Opinions Match Report. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Opinions Match Report. Show all posts

Saturday, April 2, 2011

India is now Dhoni



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At 30 off 29 balls, Yuvraj Singh swung and missed off Malinga. The familiar feeling of an impending implosion began taking possession of my being. Two more dot balls followed and I closed my eyes hoping that madness would not consume Yuvraj. Over the next two balls, Yuvraj took 3 calm runs. I breathed a sigh of relief. India were going to be champions. There would be no heartbreak. India knocked off the runs without a flourish until the very last shot. No mountain too high, no river too deep and no adversity too hard. India has become Dhoni. Calm, collected and cool.


Flashback to the World Cup in 1987. In the very first game against Australia, after being 206-2, India slumped to defeat by one run chasing 270. In that game, the original Ice Man, Steve Waugh, administered the narcotic. India didn't manufacture ice-men. When Gambhir went at 223, to a ditsy shot, my brain was beginning to turn into spaghetti. Time and again, India's big, bad, deep and stats-rich batting line-up had demonstrated no mental strength and belief. Right from the waning days of Gavaskar until now, India could collapse anytime.

But in this World Cup, India have chased with the perseverance of the FBI chasing the Unabomber. They have stayed in the hunt in the big games chasing runs. They have taken games to their logical conclusions, rather than try to finish them off in a flurry of shots. It has taken decades to shake off the "hit-out-or-get-out" habit.

This team has probably learned the lesson that Miandad taught India in 1986. It ain't over until it's over. Gambhir, Kohli and Yuvraj Singh have played their parts to perfection in most of the matches. Whenever the alternate script had to be enacted, they were in good form in every match. India's primary script was for Sehwag and Tendulkar to score big and take as big a bite as they could of the score they were chasing. When it didn't go that script, they settled into a "death-by-a-thousand-cuts" script that would take matches to the last few overs. Against Australia and in the finals, India have had to find plan B.

Bringing himself to the center stage in the final, Dhoni gave notice to the superstars playing in the game that this was his stage. Tendulkar, Murali, Jayawardene, Sangakarra and Sehwag are some of the biggest the sport has seen. Zaheer and Malinga have performed World Cup feats that will live in memory for a while. Jayawardene constructed a magnificent century. One of the very best ever crafted in the World cup finals. It wasn't brutal like Ponting or Gilchrist's recent efforts, but it was clinical, suave and scientific.

Conventional thinking suggested that Sehwag or Tendulkar were the only ones who could respond. But Dhoni was going to have none of that. He put himself in the middle of the biggest game of his life and charmed it, coaxed it, cajoled it and finally when it was almost his, brought out his biggest shot. There was only one occasion when he almost was run out that he lost it for a second. But he immediately, put his arm up, owned up for the situation despite it not really being his fault and continued. That's what leaders do. This was going to his. He owned it.

This is a new India. An India that believes that it can. It stays calm. It knows nothing but pressure. It has learned to accept it and get on with it. It explodes when it can and buckles down when it needs to. This India now manufactures Ice-Men by the dozen. Dhoni is India and India is now Dhoni.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Catches win matches



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At some point you have to stop feeling sorry for Pakistan. Like South Africa who always choke whenever they are on the verge of greatness, Pakistan never give themselves a chance just when you expect something reasonably rational from them.


After India, if there is a team that I can't resist watching, its Pakistan. When the West Indies were at their peak I was incapable of appreciating the cricket they played. With Pakistan, the connection was instant. Their cricket is all heart, unfinished, un-coached in a western sense and un-apologetically individualistic. They defy all conventional wisdom and embrace homegrown insight, without getting preachy about it. Their ways to victory have always been distinct from the rest and their approach to the crafts of batting and bowling is most traditional. Steady batting and wicket taking bowlers.

For a while now they had been good enough to cover for their only weakness; fielding. Pakistan have never been a great fielding side. They never had to. Sprawling on the ground to save a few dozen runs is beneath their style of cricket. Prevention has been their preferred choice. Why put your fielders in a position to dive, when you can just get the bloody batsman out. For Pakistan, this style has worked well for decades but yesterday at Mohali, their catching cost them a place in the world cup final against a team they beat comfortably in the league phases.

The game was more one-sided than the 29 run margin suggests and the blame for that should go to the dropped catches.

To me when India lost 9/29 against South Africa, it highlighted how good a team India are to take a game to the final over in spite of the monumental collapse. Pakistan dropped 4 Sachin Tendulkar catches. It highlights how good their bowling is. Good enough to have Sachin Tendulkar 85 / 4

While batting, Misbah played the kind of an innings Javed Miandad would whole heartedly endorse. Problem was he did not have any believers in his approach. All Pakistan needed to do to make a match of the semi finals was to hold on to their catches and bat around Misbah. Instead they gave Sachin 4 lives, viewed Misbah's innings as a liability and completely lost the plot and the World Cup

Saturday, March 26, 2011

England Match Report #5: Sri Lanka (Ashes devalued)



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In these uncertain economic times. there is bad news for cricket. The ongoing ICC Cricket world Cup may guarantee a blockbuster closing but Test cricket's marquee event "The Ashes" has lost 75% of its valuation over the last few weeks. This according to the "American Institute for Valuations of all things Sports"  (AIVS)

Valued at well over $500 Million of today's dollars just before World War II, its valuation according  to AIVS Chief Valuator, Guesty Mate, peaked to about a $750 million dollars; also in today's dollars; in the 1950s. Its valuation has declined steadily since but what we are seeing now is an unprecedented acceleration in its devaluation.


After England, Australia and South Africa were all eliminated in the quarter finals, The value of the Ashes has hit an all time low. South Africa do not play the Ashes... technically... but their fortunes, recently have been linked to the value of the Ashes.

The MCC have always kept their distance from any organization that tries to put a monetary value on cricket's traditional trophy, claiming that the Ashes series is not for sale. Taking a dig at the IPL, the MCC President had said a few weeks back, that "unlike the IPL the Ashes is not about money"

Explaining the valuation model, Mr. Maite explained that it is common knowledge that the Ashes are not for sale but the value is an estimate of the probable bid the Ashes might receive if a private investor; lets just say Larry Ellison; were interested in buying the event.

When asked to comment on the ridiculously low valuation, Mr Maite offered a range of possible reasons. The Ashes thrives on exclusivity and adequate spacing between 2 series'; he explained. Potential investors are not taking the decision to host back to back Ashes as a positive. Neither Australia nor England are the top teams in either Test or ODI cricket and the market places no premium on T20 titles because they tend to change hands on a monthly basis. Investors are also predicting a slump in demand for the Ashes in Australia.

On the significance of 3rd party revenue generated from countries outside of Australia and England; traditionally there has been only a moderate demand for the Ashes in the Indian market but that was when both England and Australia were considered benchmark teams. Investors don't believe Indians will tune in to watch either Australia; who won only a single game against strong opposition; or England; who were completely spent by the time the quarter-finals arrived.

Then in uncharacteristic fashion Mr. Maite burst out; I mean f..k, what value does the Ashes have, when the holder falls a 100 runs and 10 wickets short of making a WC quarter final a contest? I say the $7.99 valuation we came up with is too darn generous.

Fake match reports from Real and sometimes made-up celebrities


Friday, March 11, 2011

England Match Report #4: Bangladesh (England dig themselves a hole)



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- By Real Dave Richardson (Former South African cricketer and current ICC General Manager)


I am pleased to announce that the ICC has reconsidered its stance on inviting the "minnows" at the next World Cup in 2015. After careful thought, deliberation and consideration we have decided to invite all ICC Associate members to the 2015 World Cup.




There is however a slight change to the format. All the teams will be divided into 2 unequal groups. Teams with Test status in one group and the other group will have all the Associate Members...

...and England.

Needless to add, there was vehement agreement across the ICC board that in terms of excitement this will rival the IPL.

The minnows somehow bring the best out of England and we have decided to exploit that very English of virtues.

Other fake England match reports by real famous people...

  1. England v South Africa
  2. England v Ireland
  3. England v Netherlands

Sunday, March 6, 2011

India Match Report #3: Ireland (India accelerate regression)



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India today further regressed in their campaign for the world cup. It was a day the, 3 legitimate contenders from Group B made differing statements.

England showed they have "True Grit"

South Africa showed that the stammer in the "King's Speech" is as chronic as before

India in huffing and puffing their way to a win over Ireland seemed to have embraced their dark side like Nina from "The Black Swan".

The breaking news of the day however is the resignation of Yusuf Pathan...




The letter released exclusively to Opinions...

There comes a time in a professional cricketers career when he has to make a choice between his personal goals and the goals of his team. That time has come for me.


I no longer wish to associate "brand Yusuf" with Team India and hereby submit my resignation. A resignation is different from retirement and I would like to clearly state that I am not retiring, I am resigning. This means that I would be open to be selected to play for team India but will not be available to play out of my own free will.


On the surface, Team India is only one of three unbeaten teams in the tournament but the manner and margins of our wins and non-defeats are such that I would like to disassociate myself from those efforts.


Before such time that I and senior members of Team India are seen arguing about the need for aggression in public, I think its best that I resign.


Signed Real Yusuf Pathan


 Other fake match reports from real famous people...

  1. India v Bangladesh
  2. India v England
  3. England v South Africa

England Match Report #3: South Africa (England deliver another thriller)



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-- By Real Robert A Eckert (Chairman and CEO of Mattel Toys)


I would like to thank our customers world wide for the success of the Mattell "toy cricketers" . Kids have loved our new concept; of cricketer dolls in their country colors.



The Shahid Khan Afridi "X-man" doll has found special acceptance and the recent rise in sales is singularly due to this doll. It shows the value of coming up with the right product at the right time at the right price for the right customers using the right icon.

It is no surprise that the slapping doll which is sold as a companion doll to the Barbie doll; Barbie's Harbie has been a top seller for the last 2-3 years.

A variation of the "Master Blaster doll" where the doll talks back synonyms to the words you talk to him is a big hit with multi-lingual kids. We know our customers like no other consumer toy company

One of the products we have in design phase is the "Imran Tahir hugging doll". This doll will be out in a few weeks and we expect it to be our next Barbie...

Unfortunately there is also some bad news...with our South African Team doll set. We are working with the right government agencies in all countries to issue a recall of this toy.

It is a choking hazard.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pakistan Match Report #1: Canada (Pakistan need a cause)



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- By Real Imram Khan


There are 3 elements to my world famous "Cornered Tigers Theory"

  1. You need to be a team of tigers
  2. You need to be cornered
  3. You need a noble cause (Like building a cancer hospital)

The current Pakistani team looks less like a team of tigers and more like a herd of sheep. Players who have tiger like qualities Younis Khan Shahid Afridi Abdul Razzaq and Shoaib Akhtar seem to have had their attitudes "adulterated" (well of course as India's captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni would put it). They look so meek and seem to be holding back. Like they did for so long with Canada before their inner tigers roared. They look so meek even my good friend Sarfaraz could not recognize them in their game against Sri Lanka

Are Pakistan cornered? In a sense they are but that's largely due to their own doing. A country unsafe for touring teams and youngsters only looking to make a quick buck is bound to find it self  isolated. But isolation is not to be confused with being cornered. Its actually quite the opposite.

Lastly, where is the fucking cause? Why should Pakistan win the World Cup? If it was not for the cancer hospital, I would never have come back from retirement and won a World Cup for my country. This Pakistan team needs a cause. Redemption can't be a cause. At least not in my theory...

Many may argue that getting yourself in a corner is not the only way to win a World Cup. To those I say show me any other way Pakistan has won. 

For donations to the Shaukat Khanum Memorial Cancer Hospital and Research Center please follow Opinions on Cricket on Twitter

Other related certified fake report by real cricketers...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

England Match Report #2: Ireland (England O'verwhelmed)



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- From Real Darren Gough


Let the St. Patrick's day celebrations begin. To mark England's Ashes series victory in Australia.

For some reason a lot of Irish cricketers were cheering England's Ashes win at a game in Bangalore, immediately after Stuart Broad conceded a boundary off the first ball of his and England's last over. Immediately after that boundary, the Irish cricketers erupted in celebration. Perhaps news of England's Ashes win took its time to reach the Irish players and dressing room



Back to the game it self....It didn't seem like an important game. Not too many people had come to watch.

For this very quality in the Irish; to show such enthusiasm for a neighboring country's sporting achievements; I believe they ought to be recognized as a Test nation.

Of course that will mean another country that India will refuse to host in a full Test Series.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

India Match Report #2: England (A gentleman's agreement)



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Another match; another couple of fake reports about real games, credited to fake people whose given names have no express intention on our side to indicate real people

This report comes from Real Sunil Gavaskar and Real Michael Atherton.


Report from "Real Sunil Gavaskar"

For decades now, people remember my 36* from 60 overs in the 1975 World Cup and greet me with a mixture of secret admiration (mostly Test traditionalists) and open ridicule. Well today I wish to defend myself. That day there was only one man who was not trying to win. That was me....Real Sunil Manohar Gavaskar. A proud Indian

What seemed to have escaped my critics is that no one questioned the English. Had England too not tried to win, the game would have been as exciting as the one we just witnessed at Bangalore.



Report from "Real Michael Atherton"

"Super Hero" Andrew Strauss, almost showed "Comic Hero" Sachin Tendulkar how its done. 

Sachin, who lives in a "fish bowl" and bats under heavy protection; unlike past greats like Sir Don Bradman and Sir Viv Richards, with whom he is wrongly compared to by people in the Indian media working under commercial interests; scored a customary century to bolster his career numbers.

When he got out in the 3rd and dreaded Power-play, leaving his side to fend for itself against a raging Tim Bresnan, he showed no disappointment. He was not even reported to have banged his box, let alone break any TVs.

This prompted fiercely independent Australian great and very much a part of the Indian media to suggest that this proves that Sachin did not want to win as badly as Ponting does. 

Andrew Strauss, originally from South Africa, played a selfless innings for his adopted country England.

Eventually both sides thought its best not to lose than go for the win; which led to the most anti-climactic last ball ever bowled in a tied game. 

Swann had indicated they will not run a second and Dhoni had asked his fielder not to try to throw and try to run out the English. Given that the best fielder of the day on display was bowling, Dhoni had no choice. 

Swann's decision not to try a second run is being investigated by the PCB.

Other irrelevant and fake match reports...
  1. Sri Lanka v Pakistan - By Real Sarfaraz Nawaz and Real Rashid Latif
  2. England v Netherlands - By Real Darren Gough
  3. India v Bangladesh  - By Real Harbhajan Singh

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sri Lanka Match Report #1: Pakistan (Make room for Pakistan)



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This is a fake report submitted jointly by Real Sarfaraz Nawaz and Real Rashid Latif

Sri Lanka had done well to restrict the opposition to just 277. Considering that Malinga was not playing; obviously due to....


At this point, the authors would like to differ

Real Sarfaraz Nazaz.: There is strong evidence that five bookies had approached Kumar Sangakara, after which it was decided to rest Malinga

Real Rashid Latif: Sarfaraz is an idiot and has no clue what he is talking about. He cheated most of his wickets and his practice of reverse swing is all cheating. And he fixed matches. Only because of Imran Khan he has saved himself.

[Considering that Malinga was not playing]...restricting the opposition to 277 was commendable. The opposition batsmen played traditional one day cricket. Keeping wickets in hand they consolidated in the middle, did not panic even when quick wickets fell at the top of the order and accelerated in the end to put up a score that was always going to be beyond Sri Lanka. Each member in the batting order seemed to have been assigned a well thought out role and almost everyone stuck to it and executed it.

While chasing the Sri Lankans, lost their way to a skill-full, disciplined and well balanced attack, which took regular wickets. Again as with the batting, they did not lose patience when Sri Lanka were consolidating after losing 4 wickets at the top. The opposition team's captain was bowling good leg-spin and he led by example and willed his players to perform well, always wearing his emotions on his sleeve.

There was another fast bowler, who seemed well past his prime, but every now and then out thought the batsmen. He clean bowled 2 middle order batsmen.

At this point, the authors would like to differ


Real Sarfaraz Nazaz.: He was getting reverse swing...

Real Rashid Latif:  Sarfaraz is an idiot and has no clue what he is talking about. He cheated most of his wickets and his practice of reverse swing is all cheating. And fixed matches. Only because of Imran Khan he has saved himself.

We wish to offer our apologies to our readers. While we have clearly stated one team was Sri Lanka...

...we are sorry but we could not recognize the other team in Green.

Other similarly irrelevant match reports...

  1. India match report #1 (By Real Harbhajan Singh)
  2. England match report #1 (By Real Darren Gough)
  3. South Africa match report #1

Friday, February 25, 2011

South Africa Match Report #1: West Indies (Yesterday someone bowled a googly)



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The World cup has finally come alive.

Yes there was Sachin, Tamim, Afridi, Ponting, Steyn, Gayle, Pollard, Pietersen the opener and all the other big names. Yet the big entertainment was coming from broken TVs, Sehwag's straight faced, matter of fact bravado in speech, and the "we-want-to-win-the-world-cup-for-our-dog" comments.


But yesterday someone bowled a googly. And the batsman was made to look like he did not belong.

A good yorker forces the batsman to fend for his legs and his wicket in equal measure. A good bouncer - the old fashioned one; not the slow, loopy one that meanders towards the keepers ankles, rambling along the way like Gaddafi's speech -  forces the batsman to pause (not for too long, mind you) and show respect. A beamer - there are no "good" beamers - can briefly induce the fear of death in the batsman's eyes. A good out-swinger is a tantalizing sight. A good in-swinger is like a rude shock.

But a googly, is something else. It exposes the batsman in a holistic sort of a way. Its like a story with a nasty twist; in spite of generous sprinkling of clues all over the plot. Its like a mind bender for the common man, without intellectual compromises. It defeats the batsman not with force, speed or even guile but in mind and thought. A good googly hurts a man's ego. The battle between a batsman and a leg spinner is not your traditional question-answer session, the way Richard Hadlee explains...Its a debate.

This World Cup needed Imran Tahir.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

England Match Report #1: Netherlands (England win the Ashes)



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After getting into legal trouble with the BCCI for faking a report and attributing it to Harbhajan Singh, we are now forced not to reveal the real names of celebrities when we produce fake reports using their names

Today's report is submitted by "The Real Darren Gough". Its a fake name and if the fake name hints references to any living, intelligent human, then we can produce quotes made by Darren Gough to prove our case.


The Real Darren Gough reports...


In front of a largely disinterested crowd of 23 people in Orange country, England today began their warm up for a utterly meaningless World cup by allowing Netherlands to bat the entire 50 overs. I am not sure how many runs they eventually scored but it should be in excess of 290.

Someone whose name sounds remotely like Tendoolkar, scored a century for the men in orange. England bowled with as much lethargy as a game like this deserves and used their fielding to provide comical relief to keep the crowd occasionally interedted

England, as you may recall are holders of the Ashes. They successfully defended the ashes a few months earlier by defeating Australia 3-1 The only blip in England's campaign was at Perth while they won Test matches in Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney.

Later in the summer they will beat India; every day of the week; even though you can really have a result once every 5 days.

Even if England are to lose today and lose every game in this World cup. They will still get to keep the Ashes. What a waste of money, energy and resources for nothing.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

India Match Report #1: Bangladesh (ICC Concerned as India fail to score 500)



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So the World Cup has begun well for India. The only other time India beat a permanent ICC Member in a World Cup opener was in 1983. And we know how that ended.


We at Opinions On Cricket are pleased to announce that we have netted a big celebrity blogger. To report on the opening match of the 2011 ICC World Cup




India v Bangladesh - Match Report Posted by Harbhajan Singh - All rounder Indian team (1998 - Current Player)

Today at Shere Bangla National Stadium; yeah you guessed it; in Bangladesh. Actually in the city of Mirpur; India exacted revenge on Bangladesh for a loss at the hands of the Tigers exactly 4 years back in the West Indies. Led by a stupendous knock of 28 by little master, Sachin Tendulkar, in a mere 29 balls at a strike rate of well over 96.51, Sachin laid the perfect platform for the Indian batsman to put up a score of 4 wickets down for 370 runs. Virendra Sehwag and Virat Kohli scored in excess of 50 runs each.

Munaf Patel, took a couple of wickets in excess of a couple of wickets.

Sachin's previous innings was a score of 200 out out against South Africa. This innings of 28 is the highest score posted by any batsman to follow up a score of 200. No one else has ever scored 200 in a ODI game.

It should be further noted that Sachin's 200 is 25 runs more than the 175 Kapil Dev scored in a World Cup game. I was too little to see that innings, I hope one day I witness someone score that many runs in a World Cup game.

Signed
Harbhajan Singh 

We at Opinions hope that Harbhajan Singh continues to email us match reports and provide an inside view of the happenings. A players perspective on things is always useful.


The second report is posted by our very own Chanakya...

We have learnt through reliable sources that the ICC has set up an emergency meeting in Mirpur to confront the ICC's Technical Committee's failure to meet its goal set 4 years back . In 2007, the Committee was asked to make changes in the ODI rules to ensure that teams routinely score runs in excess of 500 in 50 over by the time the 2011 World Cup arrives.

Given that India have scored just  370 in spite of batting power-plays, strict calling of wides on the leg side, limiting the number of bouncers per over, free hits on no balls; the ICC feel the changes are not enough. More needs to be done said the ICC Media Manager; on condition of anonymity.

We are not sure why a Media Manager would be reluctant to talk to the media.And how exactly the "condition of anonymity" is met once we reveal its the ICC's Media Manager being quoted, is an even deeper mystery to us. We were simply asked not to reveal the name.

A few of the options that will be proposed, discussed and approved are

  • A bowler will not be allowed to bowl more than one dot ball in an over. A second dot ball will result in a series of free hits awarded to a batsman till a batsman is able to hoist one of the free hit balls for a six. If, even after 6 free hits, no sixes result, the batting team will be awarded 7 runs as penalty for the bowling team. Runs scored; till the point a 6 is hit or the penalty imposed; will all count against the batsman's individual score. 
  • Introduction of a limit on yorkers. A team total of 3 yorkers per innings will be allowed. A 4th yorker will result in an automatic suspension from bowling of the offending bowler. His quota of 10 over will them be completed by Ajit Agarkar. 
  • A further limit on bouncers is also introduced. The limit on bouncers will follow the same pattern as the limit on yorkers, except that the limit is for the lifetime of a bowler. A bowler who bowls a 4th bouncer in his career will be banned


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