England Match Report #3: South Africa (England deliver another thriller)

-- By Real Robert A Eckert (Chairman and CEO of Mattel Toys)


I would like to thank our customers world wide for the success of the Mattell "toy cricketers" . Kids have loved our new concept; of cricketer dolls in their country colors.



The Shahid Khan Afridi "X-man" doll has found special acceptance and the recent rise in sales is singularly due to this doll. It shows the value of coming up with the right product at the right time at the right price for the right customers using the right icon.

It is no surprise that the slapping doll which is sold as a companion doll to the Barbie doll; Barbie's Harbie has been a top seller for the last 2-3 years.

A variation of the "Master Blaster doll" where the doll talks back synonyms to the words you talk to him is a big hit with multi-lingual kids. We know our customers like no other consumer toy company

One of the products we have in design phase is the "Imran Tahir hugging doll". This doll will be out in a few weeks and we expect it to be our next Barbie...

Unfortunately there is also some bad news...with our South African Team doll set. We are working with the right government agencies in all countries to issue a recall of this toy.

It is a choking hazard.

India v Ireland: Its just another game

Apart from the usual problems of player ageing associated with such a long tournament; the organizers also have to deal with the seasons. A tournament which started in winter in one part of the host country has now entered the monsoon season in another.

The latest reports released by the United Nations committee on climate change shows that the earth's temperature has risen a whole degree at the poles, since the start of the World Cup. Unfortunately today's climate change tools and models can't see too far into the future. Just how much the earth's temperature would rise by the time the knockout phase starts is something today's cutting edge tools are unable to predict.

Much like ICC's DRS system for ball tracking.  

The long breaks between games is not helping India. Players have too much time on their hands to over analyze past games, seek sadistic pleasures in the debacles against minnows of fellow test members, over prepare for the future games and in general indulge in strategery far greater than the one Grorge Bush thought necessary before invading Iraq.

Worrying levels of lethargy has crept up in the Indian team.

Ever since the Kevin O'Brien magic, Yusuf Pathan is left with a feeling of betrayal. Betrayed by his own destiny. It was a script written with him in mind, he says. 

He was last seen tweeting with Shatrughan Sinha.

Earlier in the week, Gary Kirsten administered a psychology test for his boys. "Are you a closet minnow lover". Sachin Tendulkar as usual outperformed his team mates. When Saurav Ganguly learnt about this test he wrote a letter to BCCI that such tests should be open to ex-players as well. 

Virendra Sehwag is now claiming that he was either misquoted or his "I-would-like-to-play-50-overs"  comments are being misrepresented. He is not sure which one. He said that since the whole team could not last 50 overs against England, he has now even lost his face...in addition to his hair.

All the talk of Ireland being a threat to India is basically hype. Reality is, England played like worn out prostitutes. Many in the Indian team believe they even caught England showing glimpses of pleasure as Kevin O'Brien was turning it on. It is largely believed that such a thing will never happen to India. Not many in the Indian team can turn Kevin O'Brien on like say a Stuart Broad.

More than England's defeat to Ireland, what is rattling the Indian team is comments on Friday by the President of ISTA (Indian Stone Throwers Association). He noted on a TV talk show that a team that collapsed for 58 against a team whose captain is Darren Sammy, was allowed to score in excess of 280 by India. 

For once, Sachin Tendulkar's Its-just-another-game rants are resonating with his team members and scratch his bald head as he might, Sehwag just can't get the revenge theme going this time.

Previous pre-match reports...

• Bangladesh - Just another Do-or-die game
• England - Anticipatory revenge

What a waste of time!

One swallow does not make a summer. Barring one game where the Irish upset England spectacularly, the associates and minnows have been a perfect waste of time. Today's games were over even before I switched on my television set. Bangladesh, Canada, Zimbabwe, Kenya and Ireland should play in the Deodhar trophy and not in a World Cup. In fact, I would shudder to even put them into Australia's or South Africa's domestic tournament. Kevin O'Brien, Shakib and other good players in these teams can display their wares in the IPL for spectators to relish.


The gulf between the teams is too wide. Teams like New Zealand, West Indies and Pakistan that were considered bottom feeders in the Test rankings due to various issues have shown that the worst of elite teams can smack down the best of minnows and associates with time to spare. A revival for these three teams is welcome news for cricket. I have always felt that a competitive West Indies and Pakistan team are a must for excitement in world cricket.

Anyone that feels that the associates should play in the World Cup based on one Irish performance should really go the grounds and watch Canada v Zimbabwe for $500. If the game lasts 100 overs and the teams manage to score more than 450 runs between them, then I'll be tempted to think again. Bangladesh came into the tournament full of hope and have been shown their place by both India and West Indies. You could forgive them for thinking that they did well against India by scoring 280+ runs. But folding for 58 against West Indies reveals their true colors.

New Zealand roared back into the tournament with a 10 wicket thrashing of Zimbabwe. It appears that John Wright's magic is beginning to work. The shot selection has dramatically improved. Bowlers discipline was fantastic. Guptill and McCullum finally came to the party and did justice to their immense talent.

On another note, this tournament was supposed to be a batsman's tournament. Afridi and Roach may beg to differ. It's been a treat watching Afridi finally flower into a consistent match winner. Pakistan's attitude and swagger versus Canada was a testament to their new found confidence. It remains to be seen how the Pakistan team play Australia. Win or lose, it'll be crucial for them to maintain their composure. If they fall apart in a losing cause, that'll be the signal that the revival is incomplete. Take a bow Waqar Younis and Shahid Afridi who have managed to unite a team of mercurials for a cause.

India, Australia and South Africa's games are spread too far apart to keep the average fan's interest a multi-nation tournament. Pakistan have filled the gaps with panache, but Sri Lanka and England have flattered to deceive thus far. England, despite their loss to Ireland, remain a contender. England may yet come alive, if their bowlers come to terms with sub-continental wickets. They should play Tremlett if they wish to be in with a prayer of a chance. My view is that Tremlett with his height can do better than Broad or Shahzad. If Australia manage to put it across Sri Lanka, which I guess they will, the latter will have a hard time coming back.

This is why I feel that playing the minnows and associates is really upseting the rhythm of what could have been a pulsating tournament. Sri Lanka are a strong team. They ran into an inspired Pakistan team and were defeated. Australia are quietly notching up victories without any hype, almost like England used to in the pre-1996 World Cups. But the real games are too few and far between.

Shahid Afridi - The Lion King?

Shahid Khan Afridi - The Lion King

Pakistan Match Report #1: Canada (Pakistan need a cause)

- By Real Imram Khan


There are 3 elements to my world famous "Cornered Tigers Theory"

1. You need to be a team of tigers
2. You need to be cornered
3. You need a noble cause (Like building a cancer hospital)

The current Pakistani team looks less like a team of tigers and more like a herd of sheep. Players who have tiger like qualities Younis Khan Shahid Afridi Abdul Razzaq and Shoaib Akhtar seem to have had their attitudes "adulterated" (well of course as India's captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni would put it). They look so meek and seem to be holding back. Like they did for so long with Canada before their inner tigers roared. They look so meek even my good friend Sarfaraz could not recognize them in their game against Sri Lanka

Are Pakistan cornered? In a sense they are but that's largely due to their own doing. A country unsafe for touring teams and youngsters only looking to make a quick buck is bound to find it self  isolated. But isolation is not to be confused with being cornered. Its actually quite the opposite.

Lastly, where is the fucking cause? Why should Pakistan win the World Cup? If it was not for the cancer hospital, I would never have come back from retirement and won a World Cup for my country. This Pakistan team needs a cause. Redemption can't be a cause. At least not in my theory...

Many may argue that getting yourself in a corner is not the only way to win a World Cup. To those I say show me any other way Pakistan has won. 

For donations to the Shaukat Khanum Memorial Cancer Hospital and Research Center please follow Opinions on Cricket on Twitter

Other related certified fake report by real cricketers...

• Sri Lanka v Pakistan (By Real Sarfaraz Nawaz and Real Rashid Latif)

Naked World Cup

This is a World Cup full of exposes. England exposed India a few days ago by nearly hunting down their massive total of 338 runs. India's bowlers ended up looking really awful, except for Zaheer who produced the sole highlight for them.

India, however, did their own by exposing the DRS. Ian Bell's non-dismissal exposed DRS's and ICC's (no intentional pun) shortcomings. Dhoni was upset at the "adulteration" of technology by humans. How dare they? Humans have only the right to invent technology with limitations. They cannot interfere with it. Let technology take over the world.

Lorgat and Richardson exposed Dhoni's lack of knowledge of the rules, especially the one related to the 2.5 m. LBW laws don't apply if the batsman is 2.5 meters out. So right now a move is afoot to cancel stumpings too if the batsman is 2.5 meters out, followed by run outs. This is because cameras are not accurate if the batsman is out of the frame. How can the umpire be sure that the image was not doctored by the TV folks? By the 2016 World Cup batsmen will be practicing "using their feet" to the spinners with a new aim - go out beyond 2.5 m.

N. Srinivasan, India' board President-to-be and a pompous richie rich to boot, exposed Richardson's lack of manners. Srinivasan also happens to be Dhoni's IPL "owner". Luckily for India and the viewing audiences, NS has not been "exposed" yet. Lorgat and Richardson are not sure that sight would help ticket sales and sponsorships.

To bring this to a full circle, Ireland exposed England today. Obi-Ran Kevinobe took it to England and it was actually fun to watch Stuart Brat exposed. England, of course, were not prepared for such a humiliation so quickly after seemingly having put Team India in it's place. When it dawned on them that the ground had something to do with it, they felt....you said it--exposed!!

As a result, the World Cup now looks like a nudist's colony.

England Match Report #2: Ireland (England O'verwhelmed)

- From Real Darren Gough


Let the St. Patrick's day celebrations begin. To mark England's Ashes series victory in Australia.

For some reason a lot of Irish cricketers were cheering England's Ashes win at a game in Bangalore, immediately after Stuart Broad conceded a boundary off the first ball of his and England's last over. Immediately after that boundary, the Irish cricketers erupted in celebration. Perhaps news of England's Ashes win took its time to reach the Irish players and dressing room



Back to the game it self....It didn't seem like an important game. Not too many people had come to watch.

For this very quality in the Irish; to show such enthusiasm for a neighboring country's sporting achievements; I believe they ought to be recognized as a Test nation.

Of course that will mean another country that India will refuse to host in a full Test Series.